iloveyou

"i love you"
is the biggest lie
i have ever told.
it's right up there with the
tense hugs
turned-away cheek kisses
silent screaming
about how much i hate
you
[and everything you stand for]
fantasies
about striking out on my own
if you died.
but
i guess it would really
only be a lie if
i didn't hate you
because hate is love, too
you know.

"i love you"
is a trite little phrase.
it is
apology
promise
condolence
all rolled into one.
we say it a few times a week
atonement for our sins
and we think we can get away
with anything.

"i love you"
isn't what i mean when i say
iloveyou.
when i say iloveyou
it's a greeting
a salutation
a word on the breeze
one that i don't care about unsaying.
iloveyou is merely a polite formality
to mask how i really feel.

"i love you"
is something that we tell the wrong people.
friends should get i love you's
friends who carry us
and support us
and try to pretend that they are worldy
and we know they aren't
instead of the other way around.
friends who we lean on
and depend on
friends who lean and depend
on us.

"i love you"
i don't think i told the right people this today.
but now, i want you to know.
i love you.